Become a successful rapper in 5 easy steps!

So little Billy, the time has come to choose what you want to do with your life. Wanna be a doctor and save people? What's that? You want to be a rapper? Well then, you have come to the right place! In just 5 easy steps you too can be a successful rapper with all the money and oversized jewelry a man could ever want!

Step 1: Pick a cool name

Now this step is pretty self explanatory but you might need some help picking out just the right name. Now maybe you were just going to call yourself a couple of letters or something completely stupid. Look at 50 Cent, he made a cool name out of an amount of money. What can your name be Billy? Hmmmm.... I got it! We will call you "Stapler." No wait, scratch that. That name isn't "gangsta" enough. Let's drop the "ER" and add an "A" instead. There, that's perfect! Your rapper name is now "Stapla!"

Step 2: Butcher the English language!

What did the founding fathers of this country know anyway? They should have known that instead of saying "every time," you could easily say it better if you say it "eertime." Silly founding fathers.... Also if words don't seem to want to rhyme do to that fact that they shouldn't rhyme, make it rhyme. You are a overpayed entertainer, you have the right to change the rules of the English language. Also, everything, or "eerthing" if you will, sounds so much cooler if you add a Z to it. Scenario: You are in a grocery store. You see two meat like products on the shelf. The first one says "Spam." The second says "Spamz." Which one are you gonna buy?

Step 3: People forget easy, repetition is key!

Now I, like most people, forget things very easily. My mind often wanders during songs due to the fact that I keep forgetting what is going on in the song. Silly me....but rappers make it all better. They repeat the same lyrics over and over and over again. What's that "gangsta" rapper Cassidy? You're a "hussaler?" That's nice. Wait, what did you say you were? Oh yeah, you are a "hussaler." Thanks for repeating it for me again and then 15 times after it! Not only do they repeat the lyrics over and over and over again but they repeat the same beats and background tracks over again and again and again. I really like that one part in the song, so why not repeat it for the rest of the song? Rap sure is swell Billy!

Step 4: If you want street cred, get arrested!

Ahh yes, this is one of the most important things you need to learn if you want to be a rapper. You won't be successful unless you get sent to jail and shank somebody. Better yet, go to jail with your entire gang. Also if you want to sell millions of records shoot someone or get shot! Just remember, for every bullet you take, that's like 4 million more records sold! Make sure to rap vividly about every last detail that happened right before you shot that guy. I want to hear how he urinated on himself and begged for mercy! After you sing that talk about having fun in a club! What's that? You feel a #1 hit too?

Step 5: Get a girl who can do that weird thing with her butt that makes it seem as if it wants to escape!

English Scholars refer to it as the "booty pop." If you want to be a huge hit, you have to have a small army of big butted girls in your video that can booty pop. But you just can't let em go at it without some accessories! To further make the booty popping more impressive, add things to the booty shorts you will inevitably have your classy lady wearing. Add things like tassles, chains, apples, oranges, small woodland creatures, small children, Quizno subs, a AM/FM radio, and various other things. It will make the popping all that more impressive if that girl can pop a small woodchuck!

Follow these 5 easy steps Billy and in no time you will be caught with underage girls in your hotel room!